Esta história não é pra crianças. a menos que elas saibam inglês...

This is the story of three little pigs that got lost on a journey to find their fat ass pig mother. Pigs are fat, it’s just a fact. And they are pink. So by these undeniable facts of science, these three are definitely pigs. We must waste no more time, let the adventure begin…

Once upon a time, there were three little piglets.

They carried on a journey in search of some sort of Holy Grail. (I know it I said it was their mother, but at this point, a holy grail it’s just more fun. And who cares about some fat pig anyway). They were extremely happy traveler pigs, even though of their extremely heavy burden. But we’ll get to that. They had a destination; they just needed transportation, so they got what any roughly intelligent pig gets when it wants t travel: a car.

As Mary had the biggest teeth of them all so she decided she would be the designated driver, or as they say, the 100% cool piglet, whatever that means. And so it was. They drove for many hours through many dangerous lands, and suffered endless privations, in search of the magical location, where they would find the so ambitioned grail to save their mother from certain death by apple choking, a very common way to kill pigs, apparently. (Yes i brought back the fat mother, it seem to give a purpose to this whole thing).

As they arrived to their destination,

A magical birdie approached them.

-Hi losers, he said.

-Hi magical birdie, they replied altogether.

-Call me by my birth name, and I shall give you one good advice.

- Wilfredo! , promptly said Andy, as she wiped a little bit of spit from the corner of her mouth.

-How did you know? , claimed the bird amazed.

-She thinks everyone’s called Wilfredo, you just got lucky, replied Mary.

-Either way, you got it right, so I shall give you that good advice. The Holy Grail shines like blood among its green mother.

-What kind of advice is that? , asked Mike, confused.

-You’re right; you want some really good advice? Get your asses out of my grass, or I’ll start faxing you! I trim it leaf by leaf with my tiny beak, and you’re making me furious!

The birdie scared them off, and the piggies fled fearing for the hygiene. Mike was the first to attempt some sort of thriller move he was sure that would lead him to freedom. Soon his sisters followed him.

Somewhere in their magical escape from the birdie, Andy and Mike tripped on what clearly seem to be magical shoes! Feeling like complete Dorothies they grabbed all the magical shoes hopping they would lead them to some turquoise brick road.

But the road didn’t appear. Too many years of sand, due to rough erosion of the high cliffs that surrounded the beach left the magical road buried beneath them. Or maybe the shoes were just too cheap and wouldn’t do.

Andy was starting to feel the weight of the journey, and confessed to her siblings:

-I can’t take this anymore! I’m gonna chew this magical pink twig as the mobile phone waves cook my brain slowly! I shall be dead in 200 years and then I’ll have peace!

-No Andy, don’t do it!, shouted Mike in despair. I have found yet another magical thing! Look it’s a magical blowing flower! Everybody knows they work in magical ways. And he dived reaching for the magical flower that works in magical ways.

Andy was reassured, and Mike continued.

- I shall blow this magical flower and all damage shall be undone! Oh fairy godmother please helps us!

And the fairy came. She surely looks more like a terrorist after a shopping spree at the local Chinese stores, but still she was very powerful.

-Michael, I am your fairy godmother! I shall grant you three wishes, but I must warn you, I’m out of pumpkins right now, so let’s skip that Cinderella fantasy of yours.

-Although I would definably appreciate the wishes part, you ugly witch, I’m not Michael Carreira, and I surely don’t like being mistaken by him!, replied Mike feeling insulted and sick.

-Oh thank God, I was gonna asked you what was wrong with your hair! Where were those enchanted oily curls! Since you’re not him, I’m just gonna give you this mattress I got from pizza hut, I just don’t know where to keep them anymore! Erm, I mean, it’s a magical flying gift that I’m gonna give you. It’s priceless! Blow it and fly, little piggies.

And so she vanished in the air, about as fast as she showed you, but still let that naphtaline smell behind, that killed any moth in the neighborhood for the next three days.

Mike blew with all his strength saying, this magical plastic carpet thing will take us to Barracasofthegrail. And the grail shall be mine, mine!!! Muahahahaha

Little piglet Mary puts her fangs out and, not enjoying the selfish comment her little brother had just made.

At this point, piglet Mike starts losing control and yells:

-Damn you! I shall spit my lethal muffin on you! And you shall perish!

And so he attempted. But Andy stops them with unexpected news.

-You two shut up! I’m trying to find the direction to Barracasofthegrail in my magical GPS coins and you are distracting me!

-Did you find it? Mary asked immediately

-Yes, yes I did! It’s just behind that magical bush, which was here all along!

-Oh here it is, Mike said. It’s so beautiful! It looks kinda tasty tough.

-So, if we take this back home and give it to The-One-That-Eats-All-The-Pigs, our mum will be free!, continued Mary.

-Yes! And we’ll be one fat happy family again!, carried on Andy.

-Oh I’m so happy Andy, said Mary wiping the tears.

-Me too! We don’t look so fat when we’re around mum!

-Seriously you two! , interrupted Mike. It has been two months since we left piggy-land! Mum has passed the roasted faze weeks ago! We’ll be lucky if there are any bones left. Let’s just eat the damn thing and call it a day!

And so they lived happily ever after. Or at least with wine and poker.

The end.